When Boundaries Feel Like Rejection

When Boundaries Feel Like Rejection: Healing the Space Between

As children, one of our first emotional tasks is to make sense of the space between us and our caregivers. What does it mean when a parent leaves the room? When they say "no"? When we cry and they don’t respond? These moments begin to shape how we internalize the concept of emotional distance. For some, this individuation process—learning we are separate beings from those we love—feels safe and natural. For others, especially those who experienced inconsistent or traumatic caregiving, that space feels terrifying. Rejection. Abandonment. Loss.

This early wiring has a lasting impact. Many of us carry a felt sense that boundaries—either asserting our own or respecting someone else’s—are inherently painful. That space between two people becomes emotionally charged. A boundary can feel like a "no" to our whole self, not just a specific behavior or request. It’s no wonder that so many people, especially those with deep attachment wounds, struggle with boundaries well into adulthood.

In my work with clients, I often see this play out in subtle but destructive ways. Those with the most intense histories of caregiver-related trauma or neglect are frequently the ones who experience boundaries as unbearable. They may perceive people who are clear and healthy with their boundaries as cold, distant, or “not their people.” The assumption is: If you cared about me, you wouldn't need distance. If you loved me, you’d let me in unconditionally.

This leads to a pattern of enmeshment—where boundaries are blurred or non-existent—and eventually to relational chaos. The relationship starts off intensely close, but over time, expectations are unclear, resentment builds, and the need for belated boundary-setting often results in conflict, rupture, or disconnection. It becomes a painful cycle: we fear rejection so we abandon our own needs, only to end up feeling rejected anyway when the relationship becomes unsustainable.

So what do we do?

A helpful exercise is to sit with yourself the next time you set a boundary that makes sense to you. Notice what comes up in your body. Is there a tightness in your chest? A sinking in your stomach? What do these sensations say? Is there a fear that the other person will be angry, disappointed, or hurt? Do you fear they’ll leave?

And ask yourself—where did I learn to feel this way?

Often, we’re reenacting old relational dynamics that no longer serve us. But here’s the truth: we aren’t powerless children anymore. Maybe now we do have the tools to let someone go if they can’t respect our needs. Maybe we have the communication skills to work through discomfort and stay in connection. Maybe our current relationships are healthier than we think—and can survive (and even thrive) through new boundaries.

Now what?

Explore therapeutic ways to achieve lasting change. Integrative therapies such as EMDR, Internal Family Systems, Somatic Experiencing, Sensorimotor, and even psychedelic-assisted therapy can help to time orient and update our inner systems. This pull us out of our automatic responses, and helps to stop relational reenactments. These therapies, especially done in an intensive format, allow for us to heal these core wounds effectively and quickly, and move confidently into creating healthy boundaries.

In the end, if we remain unable to set boundaries, we sacrifice our authenticity. We self- abandon. And we teach others that our needs don’t matter.

That old adage, we teach people how to treat us, couldn’t be more true. Boundaries are not rejection. They are invitations to relate more honestly, safely, and sustainably.