What Are Boundaries

Jul 14

Boundaries Aren’t Control—They’re Self-Respect

Boundaries have become one of those buzzwords that’s everywhere—podcasts, therapy memes, self-help books. They're the hot topic of the pop psychology world, but despite their popularity, we often misunderstand what boundaries actually are and why we tend to struggle with them.

As a therapist, I can’t count how many times clients have told me about "setting boundaries," only to describe something that makes me flash to The Princess Bride: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

A common example goes something like this: “I told this person they can’t do this thing because it’s my boundary.” On the surface, this might sound empowered, even assertive. But more often than not, what's actually happening is an attempt to control someone else's behavior—not to protect your own well-being.

When we use the language of boundaries to dictate what others can or can’t do, we’re missing the point entirely. Because real boundaries are not about controlling others. They’re about taking responsibility for ourselves.

So What Are Boundaries?

At their core, boundaries define the space between you and another person. They mark where you end and someone else begins. They’re the limits we set for what we will allow into our mental, emotional, and social space.

Boundaries are about us—what we need, what we’re comfortable with, what we can handle—not about policing the actions of others.

We can and should communicate our boundaries clearly. But once they’re communicated, the responsibility lies with us to enforce them—not to shame or punish others for not intuitively abiding by rules we created for our own wellbeing.

Let me give you a real-world, low-stakes example from my own life.

A Boundary in Action

After years of overextending myself, I realized I was answering professional emails and texts at all hours. The burnout hit hard. So I set a personal boundary: I will only answer professional emails and messages during standard business hours.

The key here is that I changed my behavior. I didn’t tell clients or colleagues, “You’re not allowed to contact me after 5 PM.” I simply let them know, “I respond to emails and texts during business hours, or within two business days.”

If a message comes in at 8 PM? I don’t respond. I’m not angry. I don’t guilt-trip the sender. I respect my own boundary by holding it myself.

This is the distinction: I protect my space, not by controlling others, but by taking charge of my own actions.

Why Is This So Hard?

This brings me to a deeper question: why do so many of us struggle with boundaries in the first place?

From a developmental and attachment standpoint, boundaries can feel emotionally loaded. As children, our first experience of “space” between ourselves and our caregivers sets the tone for how we understand boundaries later in life.

If we internalized separation or individuation as safe and healthy, boundaries feel empowering. But if distance felt like rejection or abandonment, then setting—or receiving—a boundary can trigger fear, shame, or defensiveness.

When someone asserts a boundary, it can feel like rejection. When we try to assert our own, it can feel like we’re being “mean” or risking disconnection. This is where emotional work and healing come in: learning that boundaries aren’t walls—they're bridges to healthier relationships.